Here’s to you….

This is my most personal post yet. And we will get into most of the nitty gritty minus names because yeah, legality haha. Here is to all the men that I loved, and I am so thankful that I lost.

Is this weird to say, yes. But thinking back on all the relationships I’ve been in, and thinking back to where our lives would’ve have been now.. WOW I am just glad we knew when it was right for things to end when they did. Have you ever done that and go wow when I thought I would be x years old this dream was how my life was, and it could’ve been if I would’ve stayed with so and so.. but would I have been happy, would we still be together, would I be pursing my passion project?

To my high school sweetheart. You were my first love, the first man I really thought I had a future with. Things between us were good until you made choices that were not in align with what I wanted. I wanted love, marriage, you wanted cocaine. We parted, and I am sorry that my actions after our relationship hurt you so bad, but those decisions brought my best friend Dana more into my life, and some good friends as well. You told me not to hang out with your “friend” and I did, we became friends and I was included into their group. That brought the next life long friend into my life that you wished I never spoke to, but its been over 15 years and he and I are still friends. Maybe you were so worried with who he would introduce me to, and make me realize that what we had was childhood love. We were young and naive and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I ran into your dad, and he told me that you have a little one and are so happy. I am so happy that you found the person who could make you a better person, I am also glad I was not the one to make you a better person!

To the backup, Thank you for not hating me when I put you through horrible situations. I always treated you like the boy in second place and that was never fair, you were always so good to me, and loved me for who I was. But I never knew how to put you first. I should’ve chose you. You loved me, you put me first. You would’ve done anything to make me happy, but I could never do the same. You were a nice guy, a safe bet. You knew my weaknesses and were there for me after every break up with open arms and a open heart. But I found your breaking point, I went too far and you couldn’t keep being a punching bag. I often think about how our life together would’ve turned out, would we still be together? Would we have a little one? Where would be living? So many unknowns, and I just hope you are happy now, and know I loved you with everything I could, and I am sorry.

To my on again off again lets waste 8 years of our lives living in limbo, and piss off all our friends by never being able to figure out what we want. I am thankful for your best friend getting us together and being there for me when I wanted to ring your neck, which was often. We never brought out the best in each other, and I see that now so clearly. I screwed up a lot to be with you, as you did as well. We hurt a lot of people trying to figure out how to make us work, but I guess that’s what happens when you are 20, and trying to pretend we were more mature, and could make it work. Sometimes love is not enough, especially when it is so hard to say. “Every time you caught me staring at you, was my way of saying I love you”. Crossing lines is never easy and staring now at my wedding ring I realize that we never loved each other the way we needed to stay together. You were always the one I felt that got away, but now I see it as I was the one who got away. I left the group, I now left North County and the man I love and married is everything I wanted you to be, I heard you got married and have two little ones. I am so thankful you have the children you always wanted. I hope you are happy, and your wife brings out the man I know you were always meant to be. I deleted that e-mail a long time ago, and with that I deleted our past. But I am so thankful that even after our relationship was done you always took care of me and made sure I was ok. Thank you.

To the nice guy who really wasn’t, where to start with you, I took a chance on you, and I do regret that. You brought me through the darkest times in my life. You swore you were different and that could be a man I could depend on. You took my trust and ripped it to shreds. You took my heart and broke it, you took my body and abused it. You showed me how careful I should be with my heart and body and that I should listen to my gut when it is telling me to walk away. I will never forget what you did to me, but I have let go of the anger I have for you. I wish you well but I am thankful I will never see your face again. And thank you for being the reason I can never take a shot of vodka straight again.

To my husband, The one I do love and thankfully have not lost. It is crazy as I am writing this just before our two-year wedding anniversary and all I can think of all the crazy things we’ve been through, we loved, broke up, and rebuilt our relationship to something so strong. We’ve fought, I almost lost you, we’ve laughed, and we’ve moved mountains. My favorite adventures have been what most people think are the simplest, I’d rather sleep in a tent with you in the woods then in a 5-star hotel with someone else. You have always believed in my, in every adventure I’ve wanted, from fitness to nutrition. You accept me for who I am, and you even love Bentley more than me, well sometimes. haha. And look at you, being a Licensed contractor in two states! I am so proud of you babe. You never wanted to get married, and I was happy to just be with you. You proposed, I laughed thinking it was a joke, and here we are almost 4 years after that proposal and every day I love you more than I do the day you proposed. Here we are 8 years after we met, married, moved to a new state, making our home ours, and hoping on expanding our family of three to include a baby.

I look back on my past relationships and realize how thankful I am for them to have lead me to the man I love and that makes working on a relationship worthwhile. Life and love is not full of unicorns and fairy tales, even when it is the right relationship, there is compromise, fights, tears happy and sad. Especially when you live in a travel trailer together for three months before moving to a new state where you don’t know anyone and decide to remodel a brand new house and spend every waking moment together. But when you find the right person who make you feel like you can conquer the world with them by your side, that is the relationship to fight for.

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